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In the technology industry, we face a pervasive problem that undermines collaboration, innovation, and diversity: we judge each other for not knowing things. Clare Sudbery, a technical coach and seasoned software engineer with 25 years of experience, addresses this critical issue in her talk “Let’s Stop Making Each Other Feel Stupid,” delivered at the Software Architecture Gathering in Berlin. In this episode, she discusses the most important points of the talk.

Sudbery opens with a powerful personal story. A woman with a mathematics degree enters the tech industry as one of only five to ten percent of female students in her field. Despite twelve years of experience, she consistently feels like an outsider, prevented from tackling interesting projects and dismissed in interviews for senior roles. Finally, when made redundant, she leaves the industry entirely—feeling relieved to escape. Though Sudbery initially tells this story in the third person, she reveals it is her own experience.

The Root of the Problem

The core issue stems from how we conceptualize technical work. When we view our industry as fundamentally about “knowing things,” we become obsessed with evaluating knowledge levels. This fixation creates a culture of judgment where admitting ignorance feels dangerous, particularly for underrepresented groups who already face external biases about their competence.

This dynamic produces a vicious cycle. When people criticize others for lacking specific knowledge — even outside their presence — witnesses internalize the message: “I must never admit to not knowing things.” Consequently, people begin hiding their ignorance, pretending expertise they lack. This leads to ineffective work, miscommunication, and a toxic environment where everyone is paranoid about exposure.

The Solution: Embrace Curiosity Over Knowledge

Sudbery proposes reframing ignorance as an opportunity. Drawing from XKCD’s “Lucky 10,000” concept, she suggests that whenever someone lacks knowledge, we should celebrate the chance to teach them something new. Rather than saying “How could you not know that?”, we should respond with genuine excitement: “You’re one of today’s lucky 10,000!”

Critically, she emphasizes asking questions confidently and without apology. Senior technical leaders asking questions model behavior that gives permission throughout an organization. This approach transforms moments of potential shame into collaborative learning experiences.

The Stupidity Manifesto

To create lasting cultural change, Sudbery proposes explicit commitments as mentioned in the Stupidity Manifesto:

Takeaway for Technical Leaders

Senior architects and technical leaders bear special responsibility. By confidently asking questions and admitting knowledge gaps, they set the tone for entire organizations. This becomes even more critical given the industry’s diversity challenges: underrepresented groups experience stronger negative impacts from judgmental cultures and are more likely to leave.

Conclusion

Sudbery’s message is ultimately optimistic and inclusive. This isn’t about blaming individuals for being unkind — it’s about recognizing our shared humanity. Everyone in technology experiences insecurity and knowledge gaps. By shifting from judgment to curiosity, from gatekeeping to collaboration, we create environments where people thrive, diversity flourishes, and technical excellence improves. The choice is ours: we can continue making each other feel stupid, or we can build cultures where learning together is celebrated. The industry desperately needs the latter.